Today marks one year from the worst day of my life: the day Jay left.
I wish I was being overdramatic, but it’s true. And truthfully, it was part of a series of worst days: the day he told me he was leaving, the day I realized he lied about wanting to stay married, the day I found out he was cheating and lying about it, the day I got meds for insomnia and anxiety, and the day I fully grasped that relationship was over.
Let me be clear…I own my actions and behavior that contributed to Jay’s unhappiness. I’ve genuinely apologized to him and have struggled to forgive myself. I was not aware of his angst and certainly did not understand that our relationship was in peril. I only wish I had the opportunity to work on things once I knew, but as my wise counselor taught me, it takes two people to be in a relationship and only one to leave.
I’m sharing this because you’ve been a part of my journey, but I started blogging when I felt good. Not that people would want to hear my sob story, but it’s important to know that I’m human (surprise, surprise) and have days that fall below the horizon. However, those days are few and far between. I’m in a great place and extremely optimistic about the future.
I’m grateful for my personal growth, my extraordinary and kickass friends, my loving family and fantastic job.
Now on a lighter note, I’m going to share “MyJourney” playlist. Some songs are meaningful, but others are just ones I liked listening to again and again and again.
1. Maybe | Ingrid Michaelson — perfect song when I was hopeful that Jay would return
2. Jar of Hearts | Christina Perri — this song most reflects my feelings at the time: “you lost the love I loved the most” and “I learned to live half a life”
3. Someone Like You | Adele — doesn’t she write the best heartbroken songs? I’d play the Adele station on Pandora at work and Jen M would come in and tell me to stop listening to “that depressing crap” — which always made me smile. But it helped me during the grieving process and once i turned the station (probably early July), it was truly a turning point
4. Already Gone | Kelly Clarkson — solid breakup song
5. Breathe Me | Sia — sad, soulful sound
6. Soul Sister | Train — turning point, liked the upbeat tune
6. Payphone | Maroon 5 — good “in your face” song
7. Lights | Ellie Goulding — feeling better
8. Breathing Underwater | Metric — calming effect
9. Everybody’s Changing | Keane — feeling optimistic, change is good
10. Titanium | David Guetta & Sia — time to dance!
11. We Are Young | fun. — time to sing at the top of my lungs!!
12. I Will Wait | Mumford & Sons — when I met “Chad” and had my first crush
13. Girl on Fire | Alicia Keys — my theme song for the new year
I rarely listen to any of these songs now. In my happier state, I’m listening to The Lumineers, Of Monsters and Men, Mumford & Sons, The Killers, Atlas Genius, Arcade Fire, Bad Books, fun. and my favorite group of the moment: Imagine Dragons.
Thanks for your ear and unflagging support. I heart you!
Julie in Seattle